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Saturday, April 03, 2010

Phoebe, Weishan and Ziliang heard me talk about being elitist last week, and it's just so coincidental that Sandra Leong, a Straits Times journalist wrote about this in today's Page 2. Here are excerpts from her piece, "Scoring high in grades but not in values; Elite school students who never mix with others lose perspective", that struck a chord.

"My teachers did not teach us to be snobs. But neither did they teach us not to be snobs. As a Rafflesian, one never spoke in terms of examination pass rates. It was the number of As one got that signified one's mettle. We felt entitled to big things in a merit-driven society where mental dexterity equated strength of character and virtue. We felt so because we had trumped the system, even if it was the 'system' that had allowed us to get this far in the first place."

I smiled when I read the first two sentences. I guess it didn't matter whether the teachers taught us to be snobs or not, because the environment that we were immersed in, and the "values" that were subconsciously inculcated in us, naturally led us to being snobs, it's just a matter of how snobbish each individual is. I don't believe anyone who's from the so-called elite schools can look at people from other schools without any bias. I mean, at the very least, before you get to know the other party, there is always a tendency to judge the person based on his educational background. From personal experience, sometimes I really can't help but be an elitist because I really see a difference between people from the elite and non-elite schools. The way you conduct yourselves is different, the topics you talk about are different, and the things that matter are different. I remember when I was in Beijing, I hanged out with a certain group of people until I realised their jokes were below my level and too lame for my liking. I actually found myself thinking, "Oh my, what is happening? Why do I have to stoop to their level just to fit in?" I don't know, maybe I've become too used to an "elite environment" that I couldn't adapt to the "new" environment I was in (actually, I think CS is also quite elitist - it's how you define "elitism", if you get what I mean).

And the part about the number of As - how true. Till now, I'm still ashamed of telling people I got 2 As, 1 B and a big fat C for my A Levels because majority of us score straight As. Then I realised it's only not good enough for a Rafflesian, but definitely good enough for the so-called "neighbourhood schools". People do get a little surprised when they hear that I don't have 4As, and it makes me feel sad sometimes, but when more than one non-Rafflesian friend told me, "Okay what, it's very good already," I started to learn to be less harsh on myself. Results don't matter THAT much, seriously. It's just something that looks good on your resume and something for your parents to boast about (not that mine do), but there are so many other things that could look just as good, if not better, on your resume, and achievements that your parents can be proud of.

***

"I did not have a single friend from a neighbourhood school. In our world, we did not see a need to venture beyond what we knew."

True too, because we always thought we were too "atas" for these people. It's only when I entered university that I started to know people from neighbourhood schools and realised how detached I am from the ground. Because almost everyone I knew are "elites", I forgot that there are many others who aren't, and like the writer, I forgot that I "belong to a privileged minority". During my hall orientation camp, I got a rude culture shock, and I admit I looked down on people for their horrendous English (okay, not that I have powderful English, but by "horrendous", I really mean HORRENDOUS), and the distasteful / insulting forfeits / games we had to go through. When the seniors came around asking freshies if we wanted to join the next orientation committee, I voiced my disapproval for the things we had to do during initiation night - drinking from the toilet bowl, sipping "vomit", raising my hands over and over again cos some idiots apparently couldn't follow instructions before being allowed to drink water and eat the bread, all these and more while hearing some seniors snigger at our "mishap" - and one of the seniors replied, "That's why you should join the next orientation committee so that you can torture the juniors!" Oh my, what kind of thinking is that?! I was expecting an explanation, and not to be asked to follow a "tradition" that's pretty sickening, in my opinion. But I have to say, I really don't know if this is about me being elitist that I cannot accept such "low-class" games, or that I'm just being petty.

***

"I never learnt that failure was sometimes an unavoidable option. Two years ago, I sank into a funk when I did not get a scholarship. A non-Rafflesian friend jolted me to my senses when he asked: 'How many people even get to think about doing a master's?'
Growing up this way, you lose perspective. You forget that you belong to a privileged minority, that in the real world there are those for whom a C grade (and not an S-paper distinction) represents the pinnacle of academic achievement - but who may be wiser in many ways than the academically gifted."
It was only when I left the comforts of my flock that I realised how close-minded I was. Unlike some of my peers, I did not win a scholarship or study overseas. I studied at Nanyang Technological University, where classmates told me they were initially wary of me because I was a 'Raffles girl'."

Yea, I still have people telling me, "Wah, from RJ, very smart lor." And I have to keep telling them, "Look, being from RJ doesn't necessarily mean I'm smart, I didn't go in with a perfect score, and I didn't graduate with 4 As okay?"

I know it's ironic - on the one hand, I want them to see me as "normal" and I get irritated when they harp on the fact that I'm from RJ, but on the other, sometimes I just can't help but feel one level higher than some people. Sigh. I really don't know what to make of this.

Being in NTU is good in a way because it throws me into unfamiliar territory, and forces me to be more accepting of others who grew up in a different environment. Maybe the fact that I'm from RV (though I hate to admit it) also helped to provide some balance in my perspective. I mean, RV isn't really "elite" elite, and like it or not, some traditional Chinese values are already ingrained in me. And fortunately, I wasn't born with a silver spoon. My dad worked his ass off, my mum spent a lot of time to bring the three of us up and make us who we are today, so I know I should be thankful for the life I lead now. I know I'm so not entitled to look down on others because I just happened to be more fortunate.

***

"It is especially worrying when the exclusionary attitudes bred in school become accepted life values. You judge success using markers that only you and your like-minded friends agree upon. For example, my unmarried girl friends tell me they will never date a man without a degree, a car or a 'respectable' job - and they are entirely unapologetic about it."

Okay, I have a story to tell. There was a nice guy whom I always felt very happy and comfortable whenever I'm with him. But he's from a neighbourhood school and his qualities are not quite my ideal. Even though we never admitted it, there was probably something going on. But I got scared when we got closer. And well, we never got together. If he had asked, I seriously don't know what I would have said. Once, we were exchanging SMSes about relationships, and in one message, he asked, "But what if the guy doesn't think he's good enough for the girl?" I wasn't surprised that it led up to that because I was already prepared for it (don't ask me how I knew, it's gut feel). I can't remember what exactly I said, but part of my message was, "But do you know what the girl thinks? Maybe she doesn't see it that way? But in the first place, the guy has to have confidence in himself." And that was it, we never developed further, and we aren't even talking now. Friends said I was too prideful, but I really cannot imagine having to keep pacifying my other half, and be careful not to bruise his ego. I think he sometimes feels inferior? Isn't it going to be very tiring to go out with a guy like this? It isn't always the girls' fault for being "atas", you know? I did feel a tinge of regret back then, but seriously, it wasn't going to work out between us anyway. But it's just so sad that we couldn't even be friends! RAHH.

I mean, I have nothing against guys "without a degree, a car or a 'respectable' job" - I may very well end up marrying one - but all I ask is that the guy can be a little more confident and have more faith!

***

If you have read till here, well done. But I bet you are kinda confused. So am I elitist or not? Well, I think deep down inside, I am - and I think it's okay to be as long as you acknowledge it and have an EQ high enough such that you don't hurt others - but thanks to the circumstances I've been born into, the way I've been brought up and the things I've experienced thus far, I know I can't be an elitist with my head stuck up there because then my sense of this world would become very warped, and more importantly, who gives me the right to be one?! I remind myself that I'm only considered an elite (is there such a thing as an "average elite"?) today because I'm lucky.

Oh my, have I been making sense in this entry? I would have failed terribly if this was a GP paper. LOL :P

Whatever it is, I'm surprised I made so many confessions in this entry, as if there REALLY is no one reading this blog anymore. Well, I consider this a feat given the fact that I'm someone who's afraid of being judged. Criticise me for all you like, but hey, at least give me some credit for being brave enough to acknowledge these okay? ha :)

Labels: life, reflections

posted @ 4:23:00 pm |